The evidence is clear: women are still significantly under-represented in senior leadership roles in organizations and are jockeying for equality in a still dominantly man’s world. The stats might support women having a sense of entitlement to more doors opening for them, but I don’t like the notion that I need support along my leadership path because I am a woman. I have no doubt that it supports many women in their growth - wonderful! But here is why I don’t step strongly into the women’s leadership narrative.
Perhaps my womanhood has detrimentally impacted my career trajectory. I can never know whether I would be closer to my ambitions without my ovaries. But what is most important is that I don’t attribute any obstacles in my career path to my identity as a woman. From my perspective, it has elevated me as much as it might have hindered me. Rightly or wrongly, I am the quirky, imperfect, 'good enough' leader I am because I am a woman.
Like so many women, I have had to navigate complex challenges tied to this part of my identity. I have made choices in the past - begrudgingly at the time - to forego career progression in service of being a more full-time mother to my children. My resentment was borne out of belief structures handed to me by my women ancestors who had foregone many of their own dreams on account of their gender. I was indoctrinated with well-meaning narratives about the significance of success. And, like all of our unconscious conditioning, without any inner-awakenings yet, I diminished the role of being a stay-at-home mom to laziness.
The inner-conflict was tumultuous, driving me frantically away from the most important leadership lesson in front of me. My little epiphany arose one day when my mother-mentor friend reflected back to me as I moaned again about my stagnation. “Why do you need more?” she asked with genuine perplexity. “It’s enough to be a mom. What could be a more important job?”
When the student was ready, my teacher arrived. What were these lofty ambitions tormenting me? Why did I believe that being a mom diminished my identity? Why were so many women sitting in judgement of me and motherhood in its purest sense? I was unknotting that ball of yarn of beliefs that had my identity all tangled up.
So, I leaned in. I was out of options. And in those four years of acceptance, I learnt more about leadership than in any other business role.
1. Step in to 'urghh': Some days, when collecting a clutch of children from school, on my way to 10 chores, they would burst into song to a tune I had learned to hate. Urghh. But, like any work, the more you choose to reject the moment and the task, the more you hate it. Leadership is about doing many things you probably wouldn’t choose to do, and doing them with joy because they have a deeper purpose. Sing loudly with the kids in the car, even when you’re in a rush, because you value joy and connection more than your next chore. Singing children’s brains are sprouting love and learning.
2. There is no job beneath you: Get busy fetching the kids, taking them to piano lessons, teaching them to read. You can’t outsource building a connection. It happens in the mundane daily tasks. So, leaders, answer client enquiries, make a sale, attend the training, handle a trivial complaint…spend time talking with those in your business you have no daily interaction with. You cannot deeply know your business or your people from your office.
3. I do what you do: Children are masters at discerning the gap between words and actions, and they are deaf to your words. “Do this, do that!” It’s what every parent does. And there’s a place for that. But it’s better when the questions outnumber the orders. Orders create fear and shutdown thinking. Children do what you do. Don’t like how your kid is talking to you? Watch your own tone. The same applies in leadership. What you see out there is a mirror of the tone you are setting. People not thinking well? Stop instructing! Teams moaning a lot? Stop blaming. Teams listen to your deeds and that defines for them who you are. Get busy being what you want to see in your team.
4. You are the temperature gauge: Without fail, the tone of the seven kids in the car was set by my own frame of mind. If I was irritable, the joy quickly died, the moaning began, and the temperature gauge rose. It would quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy in an angry cesspool. Emotions are contagious. As a leader, you have to spend your days mastering your emotions. That doesn’t mean ignoring them or suppressing them - they are important signals. It means breathing through them, toning them down, pausing, reflecting, and then responding intuitively and wisely, not reacting.
5. It’s not about you: Your job as a parent is, over time, to make yourself redundant. Your children need support and, most importantly, they need to be believed in so that they have the confidence to become independent, emotionally fulfilled humans. This means that you have to get over yourself. You’re a mother, but motherhood is not about you. It’s in the service of your child. The same applies to leadership. Your job is to work your way out of a job. That necessitates really seeing the gifts in others and expanding their opportunities even if it feels terrifying that they might mess it up. If you’re feeling like you don’t get to call the shots anymore, excellent, you’re doing your job. Your job is to bring energy, vision and action, then get out of the way and figure out how else you can be useful. The ability of your organization to grow is directly proportional to your willingness to make space for others to grow.
My Motherhood Leadership Academy is a daily practice. Like being a mother, I mess up regularly. But, I am grateful for the opportunities my time as a dedicated, present mother gave me. I mastered…I grew…I served. Through all my imperfections, through embracing motherhood as a woman, I now understand more deeply what it means to lead people in service of their potential, not my own.